BY: MICHELLE PEREZ-VEGA
Straight off, everyone knows that Steel Panther will never be chosen as the poster band for the National Organization for Women. The Feminist Majority Foundation. The…eh, you get the drift.
So, taking that pretext into consideration, no one should expect anything less than true yin yang angst and roll from the hardest parody metal band out there as Steel Panther readies to release its fifth album, HEAVY METAL RULES.
Yes, Lead Vocalist Michael Starr; Lead Guitarist Satchel; Bassist Lexxi Foxx; (Oh, wait. It must be noted: Foxx has admitted to NOT playing bass on this album. In a prepared statement, the beautiful bassist who revealed that he had to attend sex addition rehab said that “I can’t play what Satchel does, so we got a f*cking bitchin’ studio musician to do the bass. The studio musician killed it. We had one of my strongest photo shoots, because I had some Botox and got my highlights done right before.”)
Where were we? Oh yes, the guys and Drummer Stix Zadinia have successfully once again given us the David Lee Roth “OW-AH’s” and soaring vocals; the incomprehensibly awesome guitar solos; the throbbing bass from the bitchin’ studio musician; and the relentless pounding of the drums in this 10-song release, complete with intense and insightful lyrics that equal those of Rogers and Hammerstein.
How can one not love Steel Panther? After a brief 35-seconds of “Zebraman,” the album launches into the raucous self-love desire of “All I Wanna Do Is F*ck (Myself Tonight),” which the band adequately outlines the “why” and “how” in this message of self-empowerment. Following up is “Let’s Get High Tonight,” a little ditty about just doing that as well as other activities until dawn.
“Always Gonna Be A Ho” brings a tear to the eye as love’s betrayal is brutally and honestly exposed. With lyrics like “I ran away, went to my grandpa’s farm/I saw your name tattooed on my grandpa’s arm/Is there no man you haven’t laid?” successfully shows the rage and sorrow of the loss of that one true love.
Steel Panther then launches into its own man anthem of “I’m Not Your Bitch,” with the members taking a stand and putting their foot down, forcefully saying “NO” to their significant others who abuse the relationship with life’s demands. And then we have “F*ck Everybody,” which chronicles a bad day for Steel Panther. Maybe they should have just stayed in bed; that’s where they appear to be most productive and happy, anyway.
“Heavy Metal Rules” is next, which borrows a line from Gene Simmons of KISS, “Rock and Roll is dead.” Hope Gene doesn’t realize this, else he will be asking for royalties from the band. Steel Panther assures us of the band’s continuity with a promise that “if I can’t make money selling records I’m gonna make it anyway I can,” even if that means stealing hubcaps and selling black tar on the streets. That’s dedication.
The band then shows it’s really not over the betrayed romance with “Sneaky Little Bitch.” Should this have chronologically been before “Always Gonna Be A Ho”? Or did Steel Panther show forgiveness and give the relationship another chance before being betrayed yet again? That’s definitely one for the theologians.
“God’s of P*ssy” laments the insatiable number of women that Steel Panther encounters on an hourly basis and the band’s effort to let no one go away without heroic accommodation before ending with “I Ain’t Buying What You’re Selling,” an eclectic ballad dedicated to those Door-to-Door Cowboys that darken our doorsteps in order to make a living or to save our souls.
Seriously, it takes a lot of brain, brawn, humor, and talent to successfully pull a release like this off. And no one does it better than Steel Panther. Most of all, enjoy the album for what it is: a fond and comedic visit to the Heavy Metal of one of the most wonderful eras filled with all the “sex, drugs, and all of the bitchin’ shit from the 80s we love.”